Friday, August 03, 2007
The top two floors of the white building (with all the windows on the very top) are ours.
Since we arrived here two weeks ago I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Within the same day I have felt excited, discouraged, hopeless, despairing, encouraged, angry, frustrated, and content. I have found that in times of transition, especially when I am tired that negative emotions are exponentially more intense. I have been thinking lately about discouragement. It hits me like a wave; I lose perspective on everything and just want to curl up in a ball or go back to America or whatever will put me on the road to escape. I do not actually do any of those things but the feeling can be overwhelming.
Then a little later after the moment has passed, and I am seeing straight again, I wonder what was going on earlier. Why was it so intense? Why could I not see a way out of it? What was really going on inside of me? Why was I holding onto it so tightly and could not let go?
At those times I feel a pain that I do not understand, cannot describe, and do not recognize until later. Everything in me tells me to make the pain stop and that usually means to stop/shut down/shut up whoever is causing the pain.
I so want to get to the place where instead of reacting like that I instead recognize what is really going on and deal with it through clear communication. I want to feel it, but I also want to recognize it, recognize what is really going on, see whatever lies I am believing, find the truth, and bless whoever is causing the pain. I long for this like I long for a breeze on a hot day.
At those times I want to see Jesus. I want to see Him when I fail and respond harshly; but moreso I want to see Him in that split-second that it takes me to react before I know what is going on. In that nanosecond between the pain-causing act and the reactionary torrent of either angry words or total system shutdown I want Him to speak peace and let His grace and Spirit flow in me to respond as He would if He were me.
I do not see this happen yet. I see Him in the "failure", and that is okay because it reminds me that I still need Him desparately. May the day soon come when I see Him in the storm and have the faith that He will keep me from drowning and not have to cry out in such a way, that He rebukes me with, "O ye of little faith!"
The Good News is that even when He has to say those words, He still brings peace in the storm. And more Good News is that He has promised to complete His work in me, which means that someday- may it be sooner rather than later, Lord- He will mature me into the person who sees Him in that split-second and is changed because of it. He may need to heal some wounds from the past in order for that to happen. I may need to take some steps in order to change habits. I may need help from others in the process. May this be another journey I am able to enjoy. And most of all may those closest to me have the grace to stay on this journey with me and see Jesus in it as well.