Sunday, July 29, 2007
How have I seen Jesus this week?
That is a good question for I feel like I have been rather numb of late; going through the motions... And yet that is not completely true for I seem to have no trouble feeling exasperated, frustrated, angry, spent, exhausted, and on and on.
So why do I say I feel numb?
Well, I think I mean that I am not having many positive feelings- compassion, mercy, joy, exuberance, anticipation, eagerness,... They seem to be out of my grasp. Some of it has to do with the transition and starting over for the third time and all that is involved in that.
But in spite of all this Jesus is very present in my life. This is what is strange to me. I see Him all around in so many ways and yet my feelings are responding as I wish they would. Why not?
I am not sure but maybe it will help me to note at least one way in which I have "walked with Jesus" in the last week...
The weather has been unseasonably hot since we arrived in Ankara. Our apartment has no air conditioner and we only have one fan which is usually in a room in which I am not present. Being uncomfortably hot does not help one to feel good, and yet if what I "preach" is true, my circumstances are not the foundation for the joy and peace I know in Christ. This means I can not use the heat as a valid excuse for it is not hotter than the love of Christ. Regardless, it has been hot and uncomfortable and that has contributed to a lack of motivation and general discomfort. This, of course, says more about me than about Jesus. I could go off her about people who are really suffering and what a wimp I am and so forth, but that really misses the point and is a terrible injustice to those who are really suffering (my prayers especially go out to the Koreans in Afghanistan for that is fresh in my mind).
But back to my thoughts... being hot and uncomfortable I come to the end of my relatively hectic days (with 6 kids even if we do nothing it is hectic) wanting some peace and quiet. And although Jesus often meets me in the midst of the hecticness (I think hecticity should be the now for hectic; it sounds cool) tonight I am focusing on the times when He is in the calm. For when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet, late at night I sit in the salon (Turkish name for living room) after I have taken a cold shower and felt cold for the first time all day, and I journal and pray before going to bed and in those times over the last few days Jesus has been very real and comforting.
I give Him my fears and hopes, my frustrations and dreams, my hurts and anger; I let Him see my heart and invite Him to do what needs to be done; I remember that His mercies will be new when I wake up tomorrow; and I go to bed knowing He is with me.
Although these come on top of the other zoo pictures they are actally the last I am posting. We went to the zoo a couple of months ago but I like these pictures and wanted to post them but have only just now made it happen.
I put this one of the giraffe because I love my zoom lens. I was 30-40 yards from this guy when I took this picture and did not crop it. It is actually true for the pictures above as well.