Tuesday, April 18, 2006
April 10-16, 2006
Pictures- A few crazies and Easter
Week- The biggest theme going through this week was discouragement. Jesus seemed distant, and I found it hard to connect with Him in any meaningful, intimate way. I was still going through the motions but was not finding the presence and the peace that He abundantly gives. This usually shows itself most clearly in conflicts with Laurie, and we had one early in the week. My response was despair. After a short recovery we blew up on Sunday. Easter did not bring resurrection power, but rather it felt more like crucifixion despair. By late Sunday night we had talked through most of it but were still feeling very raw and wounded.
The emotions overwhelm me when I am confronted by her, and I go into a very unhealthy mode that my mind can�t override for quite a time. I become hard-hearted, stubborn, defensive, attacking, justifying, and dodgy. I know the truth is that I need to drop it all, repent, turn to Jesus, and let His loving forgiveness bring restoration and healing, but instead I hold on with a death grip and slip ever deeper into my foxhole ready for battle. I look back on these times and wonder what was going on inside of me. I long for Jesus to break that pattern and know that He will in time.
As I journalled about it on Monday Jesus spoke clearly showing me that I had very subtly moved away from dependence on Him and into an orphan mentality of building my own record and trying to stand on my own two feet without His help. Over the last few weeks I had moved and had not seen it, until, by God�s grace, my world fell apart (in a sense), and I had no other choice. Amazing how gloriously painful God�s grace can be sometimes, and yet, in comparison to where I was heading, the pain of revelation was a wonderful kindness.
I was building my house on sand- the storm came and showed me that clearly. If I could be seen as a good leader, if I could be generous enough, could do enough good works, could get enough cool gadgets, could give wise counsel, could have all the right answers, could be a good dad, could be seen by my neighbors as �good�, could be seen by my friends as impressive, and on and on, THEN I would be happy and life would be good with no problems. And the reality is that all of those things are empty, but I could not see it as my days whirred by, until things erupted. Then it was clear. Jesus is so patient and kind. So when this prodigal came back and realized the Truth and repented, He was there to shower me with kisses and throw the party of the century.
Thank you Jesus.